Letters to my Lost Love

Letter #2

Babe,

There are not enough words in the dictionary to begin to describe how sorry I am. I have wronged you, and I wish I could take it back.

Baby, I never meant the things that I said, or the names that I called you. I got caught up in the moment and I said things that I now kick myself for ever thinking. You are my life, my world, my everything, and I don’t know what I would do without you.

I’m dying without you right now. I wish you would just talk to me. I know I don’t deserve it, since I said some horrible things, but I just want to talk to you. I want to make it right.

I want you to know that I will never disrespect you again. You deserve to be treated like a queen, and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that way if you give me another chance.

You know I’m not very vocal about my feelings, so this isn’t easy for me to do. But I love you, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to win you back.

Just give me a chance, babe. I won’t ever let you down again.

- your man

Letter #1

My eternal love,

I had this vision of how it would all work out: life would be like a 1950s song, and we’d be in love forever. All that would matter is that we’d be together, and nothing could come in our way. We’d kiss, and there’d be soulful singers in the background snapping, swaying and serenading us.

I had it all worked out in my head, and I forgot about reality.

That’s why I’m sitting here alone on Valentine’s Day, with no plans except those I made with my laptop and my blog sites tonight. I’m not a Ben & Jerry’s kind of gal, but I wish that I were. Then I’d have something to with myself.

I can’t help but allow my mind to run over every mistake I made in our relationship. It’s hard to keep myself from thinking that if I hadn’t let my dreams cloud my judgment and make me blind to what you needed, those dreams may have actually come true.

We may have one day walked down a sandy aisle, me in a lace dress and you in a tan suit, hand in hand, with new rings on our fingers to display our eternal commitment to one another. We may have had children, watched them grow up and create these beautiful lives, as we allowed ours to play out together.

Instead, I sit here alone. I don’t know where you are now, and I don’t deserve to know. I failed us so miserably that I don’t deserve to know the details of your life. I just hope that you are happy, and that you have found someone who does for you all that I was too selfish to consider.

I don’t deserve to think about you anymore, but I can’t help it. I can’t help but remember how you needed me, and I wasn’t there for you. I was too wrapped up in my life, my career, and these expectations of our future that I ruined any chance of making it happen. I did not listen when you needed to talk, but I expected you to drop everything for me.

It wasn’t right. It’s still not right. That’s going to haunt me every day for the rest of my life, and I deserve that. Anyone who cannot appreciate you and give you what you need deserves that.

I know that I will probably never see you again, and I accept that. I welcome it, even. I don’t want you to look me in the eyes and be reminded of an unhappy time in your life. I just want you to live without the reminders of the pain that I caused.

But I want you to know this: I will spend the rest of my life paying for what I did and especially for didn’t do for you. I will spend the rest of my life making up for it in every way I can. I will never again treat someone with the disregard that I showed for you. I will spend every Valentine’s Day alone, if it makes the way I treated you during our time together seem any less horrid in your memories. I’ll gladly be alone if it means you can be happy. You deserve that much, and I deserve to pay the price, no matter how high.

- your dearest

So this is a new project of mine.

In the wake of Valentine’s Day, I’ve realized there are a lot of lonely, broken hearts out there. Many of you have likely spent the day cursing the commercialized holiday or pining for lost loves. Since I remember how that felt, I’ve decided to use my creative writing talents to tell the stories of others. Each day [hopefully, since I am busy college student after all] I will write a letter from one lost love to another, examining the mistakes made in the relationship, or simply apologizing or reminiscing about the good old days. Each letter will tell a different story. These aren’t real, and they aren’t about me. But they might be about you. They might be about all of us. So many things can destroy a relationship within seconds, and as morbid as it sounds, I think it would be fascinating to look at what those factors are.

For those of you who choose to read these crazy letters, I hope that touch you in some way. Maybe they will give you the apology you never got, or express the regret you never had the courage to vocalize. Maybe these letters will help you, or maybe they will go unread, disregarded as another lonely girl project.